I found
the announcement the other day by British Prime Minister Theresa May that,
starting almost immediately, the U.K. is going to have among its leaders
someone invited to serve as the nation’s official Minister of Loneliness more
than slightly depressing. But maybe that was the wrong way to respond. The
thought, after all, that the loneliness that plagues so many in our society is
going to be addressed formally by someone specifically charged with finding
ways to alleviate the alienation and sense of disconnectedness that makes
people, even in the most densely populated urban areas, feel alone and
untethered to society—and that that person is not going to be a solitary gadfly
tilting at windmills but an actual government official with a staff, a budget,
and (presumably) at least occasionally the ear of the Prime Minister
herself—why should that be depressing? Just the opposite seems far more
reasonable now that I think it through: here, for once, is a serious problem
being addressed in a forthright manner. And, who knows? Maybe the Minister of
Loneliness, nothing at all like the Minister for Silly Walks in the Monty
Python skit, will end up doing some good in the world. Odder things have
happened!
Once,
this was—both abroad and here at home—a different kind of problem, one with
roots in the individual psyches of specific lonely individuals but not with
society at large.
In an
earlier age, people lived their whole lives in the same village, or at least in
the same community in a larger town or city. People’s lives were intertwined in
a way that now seems, depending on where you’re standing, either quaint or
vaguely oppressive. Neighbors were often each other’s relatives. But even
non-related neighbors felt a sense of responsibility for each other and a deep
sense of interconnectedness with each other. That old African saying Mrs.
Clinton made such good use of over the years, the one that observes that it
takes a village to raise a child, once reflected reality not solely in African
villages, but all over the world. Certainly, that’s how life was in the shtetl my
grandparents left when they emigrated and came here. And it was what life in
these United States was like for most of our nation’s history.
Sociologists
use the adjective “thick” to describe this kind of society in which people are
not merely neighbors by virtue of physical contiguity, but individuals integrated
into each other’s lives in dozens of ways, some obvious to all and others
invisible to outside observers, but all palpable and meaningful. In such
“thick” societies, people have their own possessions…but there is also a deep
sense of obligation towards others that includes the responsibility to share
with those others. And this concept of the “thick” community endures even
today: the definition of a successful Jewish community (and I’m sure other kinds
of communities too, particularly faith-based ones, but I speak whereof I know)
is precisely one in which its members’ lives are intertwined, in which you can’t
count how many meals you’ve eaten in your friends’ homes or how many naps
you’ve had on their couches, in which people take each other’s tragedies
personally and seriously, and which no one needs to explain the paradox of feeling
more truly who you are by virtue of being tied in countless ways to a whole
community of others whose sense of personal identity is also stronger and
better because of their communal affiliation and involvement.
Maybe
it’s a generational thing. There was a very interesting essay last month in Wired
magazine in which the author, Jean M. Twenge, reflected on the unexpected fact
that teenagers today report spending less than a third of the time attending
out-of-school parties than teenagers reported doing thirty years ago in 1987.
(To read the essay, click here.) For
young people, the explanation clearly has to do with the advent of the internet
and, particularly, social media websites: why bother leaving home when you can
party with a thousand friends at once on Facebook or Instagram? One young man
sounded, I thought, particularly pathetic when he explained the decline in
socializing from his personal perspective: “People party,” Kevin explained, “because they’re bored—they want
something to do. Now we have Netflix—you can watch…nonstop.” I sense that Kevin
is not alone. The other day I noticed four teenagers, three boys and a girl, on
the train going into Manhattan. They were clearly together, but they spent the
entire trip on their phones—each of them presumably interacting with someone
out there, but clearly not with each other. At all. I was reading, so I didn’t
mind the quiet…but there was also something both peculiar and disturbing about the
experience of watching young people so completely tuned in and tuned out at the
same time.
Loneliness, which
Emily Dickinson once described as “the Horror not to be surveyed,” is not to be
confused with aloneness. People who like being alone are not morally flawed
individuals. I myself like being alone—to read, to snooze, to study, to
contemplate the universe. But perhaps I can afford to like time spent by myself
precisely because I am part of such a complicated, involving community the rest
of the time. And that really is the solution to the problem. (I should write to
Mrs. May and tell her!) Loneliness—that wretched sense of being untied to the
world, of specifically not feeling connected to the people around you,
of turning to the world for support or sympathy and finding no one at all to be
listening—that all falls away when people come together to foster a sense of
interinvolved responsibility for each other’s welfare…and to form communities
in which being woven into the warp and woof of the group is treated as a great
good and as a blessing, and not as an oppressive, regrettable side effect of
friendship.
In this country,
fully half of those older than 85 live on their own, as do a third of people 65
or older. Now living on your own is not necessarily a bad thing—it can be sign
of independence, well-earned autonomy, and resourcefulness. But it can also be
the first step in losing touch with the world…and that is what happens to all
too many of us as we get into our older years. Nor is this just an
emotional problem; a University of California study I read about just a few
weeks ago reported that individuals who reported suffering from serious
feelings of loneliness “had significantly higher rates of declining mobility, difficulty
in performing routine daily activities, and death.” And this too, from that
same study: “The association of loneliness with mortality remained significant
even after adjusting for age, economic status, depression and other common
health problems.” (To read that article, click here.) Nor is
it helpful to wave loneliness away as a mere mood: in
a study published last year in the journal Cell, scientists at M.I.T.
wrote to say that they had actually managed successfully to identify the region
of the brain that generates feelings of loneliness, and could see that a mere
twenty-four hours of isolation was enough to set the hormonal triggers for deep
loneliness and its unwanted offspring: alienation, disconnection, and
estrangement. Not surprisingly, the loneliness center is the next-door neighbor
the “dorsal raphe nucleus,” the section of the brain linked to feelings of
depression.
It sounds obvious enough that
communal involvement is the antidote to loneliness. But the forces drawing
people away from that simple solution are very strong. I myself am a good
example. I personally do not feel at all lonely, but, even so…I used to
go to stores to buy things, but now I almost exclusively shop online. I used
to go to bookstores and record stores to browse around and see what might be of
interest, but now I download almost everything I read or listen to. Joan and I do
go to the movies…but it’s always an uphill battle when it’s cold outside, Netflix
is only a few clicks away, and the selection is a trillion times greater than
even the biggest multiplex can offer. And it’s free, or at least
free-ish.
With respect to all of the above,
I was struck by a passage I read the other day in an essay published in the New
York Times by Dhruv Khullar, a physician associated with the Harvard
Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. (To read the
essay, click here.) In it,
Dr. Khullar writes that “Loneliness can accelerate cognitive decline in older
adults, and isolated individuals are twice as likely to die prematurely as
those with more robust social interactions. These effects start early: socially
isolated children have significantly poorer health 20 years later, even after
controlling for other factors. All told, loneliness is as important a risk factor
for early death as obesity and smoking.” So we’re not just talking here
about an unpleasant sensation that has no ultimate importance for the
trajectory of an individual’s life, but just the opposite: something to be
considered in the category of smoking cigarettes or carrying around enough
extra weight to qualify as obese as a factor in longevity itself (or the lack
of it).
When I was a teenager, I read and
was very taken with Admiral Richard Byrd’s 1938 book, Alone, in which he
detailed his experiences when things went terribly wrong in the course of his
second expedition to Antarctica in 1934 and he ended up living totally on his
own for six months in an endless polar night while beings slowly poisoned by
carbon monoxide escaping from a faulty steam pipe. For almost all of tenth
grade, it was my favorite book! When I think back and wonder what exactly it
was about the book that so captivated me, I suppose it must have been the
courage Admiral Byrd displayed in handling both the situation and himself as he
lived—as he barely lived—through a frigid six-month-long night. (It
really is an exceptional book, one I still feel entirely good about
recommending to readers all these years later.) But it was more than that, I
think: there was something in Admiral Byrd’s account that the adolescent me—an
only child with no siblings or grandparents and whose closest cousin was almost
twenty years his senior—responded to easily and emotionally. (I was also a big
fan back then of Thoreau’s Walden, and for the same reason.) But for all
it was satisfying to know that people could live with loneliness, those
books—and I should mention Clark Moustakas’ once-semi-famous book, Loneliness
in this context as well—these books made it clear to me how important it
was going to be for the post-adolescent me to find a real community of friends
and like-minded souls.
Was that what propelled me so
vigorously into seeking out the kind of Jewish community that JTS provided for
me as a young man, and which I have devoted my entire professional life to
trying to create for others? It might have been! But the basic principle—that
loneliness is a barren, arid landscape to live out life in and that the
only cure lies in belonging to a sturdy, well-structured community of neighbors
and caring friends—insinuated itself into my consciousness as a young man and
has resided there ever since.
Mrs. May is doing the right thing
to appoint a minister to seek a solution for the problem of loneliness in
society. But she could also just ask any member of a thick and traditional
Jewish community and any of us could explain the whole thing to her easily.