A few week ago, I mentioned in
passing that this last May 14 was the fortieth anniversary of my ordination as
rabbi. I wasn’t planning to make a big deal out of it—and I’m still not—but
something in the news this last week drew me back to thinking about it, and in
an unexpected way that I think I would like to share with all of you after all.
I started at JTS in 1974. It was
a long time ago. Nixon had just resigned. That Petit fellow had just managed to
walk from one of the Twin Towers to the other on a tight wire. All you could
hear on the radio was “Jungle Boogie” by Kool and the Gang. There were no cell
phones, no personal computers, no internet providers. People deposited checks
by handing them to flesh-and-blood tellers in brick-and-mortar banks. You
rented a movie by walking to a video store and picking it out, paying for it,
and carrying it home. I was barely 21 years old that fall, naïve and as unsure
of myself as I was untried in the ways of the world.
But I did know where I was going,
or at least where I wished to go. Something was drawing me to the rabbinate,
something profound enough to have brought me to devote all my energy for more
than a year to getting into the school at which I wanted to train for my future
profession…and which now brought me to the front gate of JTS on the Sunday before
the first day of classes eager to bring my twelve boxes of books and one valise
of clothing up to my dorm room and then to get my parents back into the car as
quickly as possible. But what was it exactly that brought me to that place and
to that moment? Did I choose this path forward in life? Or did it choose me? Those
are the questions that have been banging around in my head in the course of these
last several weeks as I find myself crossing the threshold into my fifth decade
of rabbinic life.
You’d think I’d know how I got
here. And yet, when I try to compile a list of specific experiences that turned
me from any of my earlier career ideas—some doable, others at least in
retrospect probably not so much—to a life of service in the congregational
rabbinate, I find myself uncharacteristically unsure of myself.
I’ve written in several different
places about something that happened in the Vosges Mountains of eastern France on
Erev Yom Kippur in 1972, not even two full years earlier than that Sunday
afternoon that I found myself moving into the Brush Dorm at JTS for the first time, although without
revealing what I actually experienced in that greenish-purple meadow at dusk.
(I won’t repeat the whole story here, but it’s available to anyone who wants to
read about it in the “History is Destiny” chapter of my book, In Search of
Wholeness, published by Moonstone Press in London, Ontario, about twenty-five
years ago, but now available to all on my website at www.martinscohen.net.) I’ve
felt forever that that incident—that life-transforming moment that came upon me
wholly unexpectedly (and without any prior warning) and which then vanished
forever, leaving me turned from who I was prior to it into who I was a moment
later and still am today—I’ve always felt that that incident had merely to
be the icing on the cake, the culminative experience that capped all the others
that led me up to it. How could it not have been? Isn’t that journeys work: you
walk forward one step at a time until you finally step over the line that all
the other steps brought you up to? Or do internal journeys that bring people to
new places without moving them physically forward at all work differently?
It feels like journeys should be
cumulative experiences, yet I consistently come up dry when I try to dredge up
the others experiences and incidents that led me to that single moment in the
Col de Saverne—the specific mountain pass in the Vosges where our bus broke
down and I was forced to watch the sun set on Erev Yom Kippur for the one and
only time in my life since earliest childhood (or since) that I couldn’t and
didn’t attend services in a synagogue on the most sacred night of the year,
didn’t go into the fast with a nourishing meal under my belt, and found myself
entirely in the company exclusively of people for whom September 17, 1972, was
just a warm evening at the tail-end of summer and not the most sacred evening
of the year—when I try to come up with those “other” experiences, there appear
to be none for me to list. Was I open to what occurred specifically because I
was still reeling after hearing about the murder of the Israeli athletes at the
Munich Olympics just eleven days earlier? It feels, at least in retrospect,
that the two events—the one known to the entire world and the other known
solely to me alone—it feels as though they must have been related. But it
didn’t feel that way to me at the time. And it still doesn’t feel that way to
me, not when I try to be perfectly honest with myself.
I was brought back to this set of
thoughts this week when I read the remarkable story of Mamadou Gassama, the
Spiderman of Paris. I’m sure you all saw the video clip—click here if you
somehow didn’t—featuring this almost unbelievable feat of courage and physical
strength. A child, a boy of four, somehow ends up hanging on for dear life as he
dangles from the balcony of his parents’ apartment four stories up over a busy
Paris street. His mother is out of town. His father has gone shopping and left
him alone. He is out of the reach of the neighbors who are trying to encourage
him to hold on. If he lets go, he will surely die when he hits the pavement.
And in the street is a young man of twenty-two, an undocumented illegal migrant
from Mali walking to a football game with his girlfriend. He has every reason
to avoid attention, every sound reason to do whatever it takes to keep from
being noticed by the authorities. And yet, possessed of almost superhuman
agility and strength, he finds himself facing his destiny. If he acts and is
successful, the child will live. If he does nothing, the child will almost certainly
die. In his hands, therefore, is a decision he can’t have ever imagined having
to make. Will he risk everything, including his personal freedom and his future
in France, to save a little boy he hasn’t ever met and for whom he obviously
has no personal responsibility? Or will he blend into the crowd of horrified
onlookers as a mute witness to someone else’s tragedy and leave it at that?
What happened next defies
explanation. Even after watching the video clip over and over, I still can’t
quite believe he was able to do what he did, but he somehow managed to climb up
the side of the building, leaping up from each balcony to the next higher one
and the hoisting himself up, gaining his footing on the new balcony, then somehow
hoisting himself up to the next story. The whole incident took less than thirty
seconds. When he reached the railing from which the boy was dangling, he simply
flipped himself onto the balcony like a trained acrobat and pulled the child to
safety.
Yesh koneh et olamo b’shaah achat, the
Talmud says: there are people who alter the entire course of their lives in a
single moment. And this was clearly that kind of moment. A day later, Mamadou
was sitting in the Elysée Palace with Emmanuel Macron, the president of France,
who offered him three things: a medal for his bravery, French citizenship, and
a job as a Paris firefighter. In a single moment, his life’s path was altered
utterly and completely. A day after that, he met with Lassana Bathily, his
countryman who saved those customers in the Jewish grocery when a supporter of
the Islamic State took other patrons hostage in 2015, and whose life was also
utterly altered by a split-second decision he made to risk his life to save
innocents not because he had to but because he could. (He also earned French
citizenship as a reward for his selfless heroism.) When that happened, I wrote
to you all about how my understanding of what it means to be a hero and how my
personal definition of heroism seems always to be evolving. (To review that
piece, click here.) And
now I find myself revising my thinking yet again, this time to accommodate a
young man of almost unimaginable athletic ability and agility who saw the
chance to do good and took it, even though it could easily have cost him his
future and his freedom.
What I experienced in the Vosges
that Sunday evening in 1972 was nothing like that. It involved neither
selflessness nor bravery. There was nothing at all heroic about it either, nor
does it feel that way even in retrospect. Aval af ani kaniti et olami b’shaah
achat: my life too altered in a moment and never resumed again the course
along which it had been set for the years leading up to that moment. In a
sense, my story was more like the prophet Amos’s, who was tending his sheep
when suddenly he felt called to the charism of prophecy, or like Jeremiah who
was quietly cooking his lunch when God first addressed him entirely out of the
blue and asked him, of all things, what he saw before his eyes. (He answered,
no doubt honestly, that what he saw before him was a pot of boiling soup.) Or
perhaps like Ezekiel who was strolling along the Kebar River when the heavens
suddenly opened over his head and he saw what he himself called mar’ot
elohim, visions sent by God. None of these experiences required bravery or
physical strength. None required advance planning or training. But all required
intellectual integrity, uncompromising honesty, and the courage not to look
away at what, after all, was right before their eyes.
I have made my way forward all
these years attempting to be possessed of all three of those things. Like all
of us, I’ve occasionally faltered. (Perhaps “occasionally” isn’t quite correct either.)
But those were the gifts offered to me for the taking on that warm summer’s
evening in the Vosges. It took me a while to take them up. I was not even a
half-baked cake in 1972—just a junior in college who was idly thinking,
possibly, of a life in our nation’s diplomatic service. That’s what drew me to
France in the first place, by the way, the opportunity to perfect my French and
improve my German. (And also the possibility of not being sent to Vietnam,
which I’ll have to write about on some other occasion.) But sometimes you
really can be koneh et olamkha b’shaah achat. The next week, I dropped
all my German classes and all but one of my French courses, and enrolled
instead in the university’s Institute for Semitic Languages, where I registered
for all the Hebrew classes I was qualified to take. It was a confusing year in
a million different ways. I was untested, untried, unsure of myself. But when our
bus was finally repaired and I eventually got back to my dorm room on the Avenue de
la Libération, I was a different person. And that is how I came to be who I
turned into, and how I found my way into my life.